Wishes

Star light, star bright,
The first star that I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

For some reason, this little nursery rhyme jumped into my head as I sat down to write this blog post. Perhaps because I decided to write about wishes. Or maybe because we had just been outside with the dogs.

I am participating in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for those who don’t know) after having to skip last year because I was diagnosed with cancer in October and spent November in a whirlwind of tests and chemo and its side effects. I only mention this because I am having to type during those small windows of time when I’m not hurting. For the last couple of weeks, my left hand has been hurting, itching, and numbish. It started with a prickling sensation in the webbing between the little and ring fingers, as if there was a cactus spine stuck there. That progressed to itching and pain. I can’t scratch the itching because that causes intense pain. And then there’s the vague numb sensation in those two fingers and half of the middle finger. Then there was the pain in the elbow and next to the shoulder blade on the left side. And if I’m holding something in my left hand, half of the fingers start trembling. So I’ve decided it must be a pinched nerve in my neck from sleeping in weird positions to try to stay as upright as possible to defuse the acid reflux.

And then my right big toe went numb along with part of that foot. That’s the toe that I ripped the nail off a few weeks ago, so that freaked me out, too. I have no idea what’s causing that.

When I called my team, my PA’s first question was am I having headaches, which I am not. So she talked to the onc doc who wants an MRI of the brain and cervical spine. And on top of everything else, now I have no energy and can’t seem to pull myself out of this ‘slough of despond’ I’ve fallen in to. By 2 or 3 in the afternoon, I have to take a nap. I have no energy. I can’t sit and type for any length of time. And forget crocheting. I’m right handed, but my left hand is just as important for crocheting or knitting. I had only recently rediscovered the joys of knitting and crocheting, and I can’t even do that now. I’m taking ibuprofen several times a day hoping that will reduce the inflammation and the pain, which it does, but not enough to be able to sit and compose on my novel. Since I can’t write, knit, or crochet, no wonder I’m feeling depressed!

I’m scheduled for an MRI on Monday afternoon and will meet with my PA on Tuesday morning, and I’m scared of what the MRI might show. I know I can’t change it be worrying, but I’m still afraid that there could be metastasis to the brain or spine. But it could just be a pinched nerve. I’ve had that before, but it’s never been this bad or lasted this long. I can only wait now, and nap, and keep taking ibuprofen, and hope that whatever the problem is with my hand it will be resolved before the end of the month so I can complete my 50,000 word novel.

So what does this have to do with wishes? I wish I didn’t have this problem with my hand and my foot; I wish I didn’t have to worry about the MRI and metastases; I wish I wasn’t depressed. The wish list is almost endless. But as my mom used to say, if wishes were horses then beggars would ride. I can’t make wishes come true, but i can be patient.

Onward and upward.

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Reflections on NaNoWriMo

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Done for another year. Last year was the first year I participated in NaNoWriMo, so it was interesting to do it again and see if the same things happened as last year. Yep, they did.

Writing frantically, every day for 30 days, means there isn’t time for editing. Last year was difficult because first, I’m a short story writer, and second, I tend to edit as I go. I didn’t think I could write a novel of 50,000, but I did it last year, and again this year, so last year wasn’t a fluke.

The other thing I found interesting is that my novels didn’t go where I wanted them to go, and people and events crept in when I wasn’t paying attention. This year, I wanted to write a history of the Divine Sisterhood of Animal Magick, which was something I came up with in a short story. I thought I would start way back in the Dark Ages to show how the sisterhood started and then write vignettes about the sisterhood and its members at different times in history. Silly me!! I should have known better! These were to be people taken in as young girls and tested for their ability to talk to animals, and how they were treated, etc. But I ended up with People who are Magic, and can either time travel or live forever as each vignette had the same characters. And that wasn’t being lazy, as I had all the names for each time period picked out.

There were also storms at sea, and storms on land, and a ship getting blown off course during a hurricane and ending up in the New World. And when I came up with a name for the ‘castle’ in North Wales where it all began I was kinda spooked to find out there really is a ‘castle’ with that name, and it was built in the 16th Century. 

So now I don’t plan to write at all during December. I will catch up on the stack of books waiting to be read, and the blogs that need to be read and commented on, and the new followers and commenters on my blogs that need to be acknowledged, and the list goes on. In january, I will go back to editing last year’s novel and start editing this year’s. And I will probably do some research that I should have done in September and October. But it’s hard to do research if I don’t know where the novel is going to take me.

And yes, I’ll do it again next year.

🙂