So here I am the day after chemo, and the side effects are already starting. For whatever reason, my brain seems to be functioning worse than before. I’m having a hard time concentrating – harder than usual. I can’t read a long paragraph without losing the thread half way through. And forget trying to find the right word when I’m speaking or writing. I often have to leave a blank when writing and go back to it. I hate that part most of all. I’m a language/grammar/literature nerd, and not being able to read and write without putting a lot of effort into it bums me out. I used to be able to hammer out paragraphs and paragraphs of fiction in one sitting. Without having to edit much. Now, I can’t even write one paragraph for my blog without slowing way down and re-reading every word several times before hitting the publish button.
The depression is also hitting hard this evening. I know it’s the chemo and the steroids – much of the steroids are the extra ones I’ve had to take along with the antibiotics for the aspiration pneumonia I suffered a week ago. I’m still taking oral antibiotics through Saturday, and have one more day of the steroids. The good news is that my lungs have cleared, and I’m not coughing up a bunch of junk any more. And the wheezing has stopped, so no more giggling at the weird sounds coming from my chest. Spud appreciates that too as the noises seemed to disturb him. His responses were funny and kept me giggling so hard some nights I kept myself awake.
Other side effects, like the numbness in my face and the mucous membrane soreness and pain aren’t as bad because my dose of Taxol was reduced a little. But I’m still having them. I can put up with all of that as long as I know the drugs are doing what they’re supposed to do. And so far they are.
There have been some adjustments made in the other meds I’m taking – my diuretic was increased because the Avastin was causing my blood pressure to start creeping upwards, and the medication for my acid reflux has been doubled. I notice the reflux is worse on chemo day and the day after and then gets better. But I’m still having to sleep sitting up, which doesn’t make for a very restful sleep. I wake up dragging, and even napping during the day doesn’t help. I’m hoping the increase in the meds will help.
So basically I’m still here, and rapidly approaching my one year anniversary of diagnosis. One part of me still can’t believe I have lung cancer. And there are days when I don’t want to see or read anything about lung cancer. But I’m a researcher by nature, and I can’t resist digging deeper when I see an article about a new trial, or a new treatment, or a new diagnostic test. Sometimes I feel detached from myself and my diagnosis, as if it’s happening to someone else. I have since learned that there are components of PTSD associated with a diagnosis of lung cancer, so that would explain the detachment. And it’s something I will explore further at some point. But for now, I’m just doing the best I can to be here in the now and take one day at a time. And I suppose that’s all anyone ever does.
Onward and upward!