I am tired tonight. I went to work for a few hours and accomplished quite a bit. Stopped on the way home to pick up a couple of things. My partner has been doing a fantastic job in keeping things together and running smoothly, but I know this has hit him hard. His only comment has been that he thought he would be the one going through the cancer and chemo stuff because of all his years of smoking and working around chemicals. He has never been one to show emotion – it’s hard for him. But there are times I wish he would. He has a few close friends that he has lunch with regularly, and maybe that’s all he needs.
But there are times like now when I want to cry and scream and punch something. For the times we should have together and may not. I try to stay positive, but even that gets worn out. Especially when I’m tired, or sick, or hurting. And I know this will pass.
On a positive note, the follow up visit went well. My labs are holding steady. They won’t recheck tumor markers until after the 2nd treatment in 2 weeks. I’m anxious to know whether the treatments are working. The side effects from one are too severe, so they will switch that one to something else.
I think I’m too tired to write much tonight. Tomorrow I have the chemo port installed so will have more time.
Good night, dear friends.
I saw a segment on TV this morning that started my train of thought going. The segment was on the fact that those who express their anger live, on average, two years longer than those who bottle it up. I know that bottling up anger is bad for your heart, and for your health in general. I also know that years of suppressing anger can lead to a person exploding – i.e. ‘going postal’ as it was termed. That explosion can be catastrophic for not only the person exploding, but also those around him/her.
I was taught from an early age that expressing anger is not okay. We, as women, are supposed to just go along with whatever happens because it isn’t ‘ladylike’ to get angry. So we bottle up the anger and suddenly, sooner or later, we find ourselves depressed, or unhappy with our lives, or suicidal. Men are taught that expressing anger isn’t okay because expressing any emotion is not ‘manly’. So men bottle up their anger until they also find themselves unhappy, depressed, or attacking their loved ones or strangers.
I wonder if this is why we have mass shootings. Do these people just explode from bottling everything up for so long? Have they been bullied? Do they not know how to express what they are feeling? I don’t know the answer, but I do know that we all should learn how to express our feelings in a constructive way.
I don’t get angry very often; I’m an easygoing kind of person. But when I do get angry, I tend to spew words all over the place. I don’t yell; I don’t even raise my voice. The words are preceeded by a deadly calm quiet. My ex and my kids never knew when I would reach my limit, and it happens maybe once in ten or so years, so they never learned the warning signs.
Other people I know tend to rant and rave and jump up and down for hours when they get angry. And some people I know don’t express it at all. We need to teach our kids that expressing emotions is healthy and necessary, because if we don’t tell people how we feel, how are they supposed to know? I’m not advocating that we begin emoting all over the place, but to learn what and when it is appropriate to express ourselves and when it is necessary to just walk away.