Depression is a strange creature. It can come out of nowhere, take the wind out of my sails, slam into me knocking me off my feet, and then disappear as fast as it appeared. There are days when I don’t want to even get out of bed. Those are the days I’m glad we have the furbabies, because I am responsible for their breakfast while my partner is up on the roof. Then he gives them dinner. I wake up each morning to a little furry body curled closely into mine and another one at my feet. What a wonderful way to wake up!

Today, I had to drag myself out of the house to the gym; the last time I went was a week ago. I knew I would feel better if I went, but the chemo knocked me on my butt last week, and I couldn’t shake the fatigue. I told myself yesterday that I needed to go, but could not overcome the inertia to even get dressed until mid-afternoon. Chemo causes fatigue, and feeling fatigued makes me feel overwhelmed, and that makes me feel depressed.

So today I did go to the gym for the cardio workout class. I felt pooped but energized afterwards – if that makes sense. And I think the last of the fatigue and depression are gone for now, so I expect to feel good for another two weeks.

My oncologist had mentioned on the last visit that he thought I might qualify for a clinical trial up in Phoenix, but then said maybe we should wait for the next CT scan in 3 months. But then on Friday I received a call saying I should set up an appointment to meet with the clinical trial people. So tomorrow we will drive to Phoenix to meet with them. It’s a 90 minute drive give or take depending on the traffic, and all interstate. I’m so glad we have a newish vehicle to go in! So today we topped up the tires, the fluids, and gas, and will embark on a new adventure. I don’t know if I will qualify for the trial, and I really don’t know much about the trial so we both have lots of questions. I hope the trip will be worth it. 

11 thoughts on “Depression

  1. I’ll be anxious to hear how the trip goes. The good news is that your furbabies will be there for you, no matter how it goes. And there may be some interesting new paths to follow.

    As for that inertia and fatigue — I’ve been there, too, and it’s not pleasant. It’s not an issue for me these days, but I remember it well enough to be sympathetic for those who have to deal with it.

  2. Good luck with the trip to Phoenix and finding out about the trial. As I understand it, these trials are research studies designed to test how well new medical approaches work in people. Some are studies that evaluate new methods of screening, prevention, diagnosis, or treatment of a disease. Your trial would be a treatment trial. My understanding is that if you’re accepted, there’s no charge for your treatment — but no outcome guarantees, either. I’m in your camp: I’d probably want to at least find out more about it.

  3. Ruth, I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with depression on top of everything else. I think that your ability to link it to the overwhelming fatigue (which would also contribute to an overwhelming sense of lack of control over your body and life these days) is going to help cope with the depression when it hits you like this. There are so many emotions and physical issues to have to deal with, I’m not surprised that you would also have to deal with depression along the way. It’s a crappy quicksand, though, depression…I’m glad you’re able to get yourself out of bed and to the gym, or out to walk the dogs, or outside to take pictures, or even to your computer to come on Facebook and chat with us. If there’s anything I can do to help (you know that I know all too well about depression and debilitating fatigue, though not so much about cancer), please let me know…email me, PM me, Facebook me…I’m here and would love to help in whatever way you need.

  4. And remember that your medical team would also have help available specifically for the depression as well.

    And good luck with tomorrow! Looking forward to updates! xoxoxo

  5. That’s why we’re going Anne, to find out more. The trial I believe is Phase III which means they are studying safety and effects. It’s also randomized, which means I may or may not receive the drug.

  6. I’m sure it’s situational, Sharon. And partly from the fatigue. I know when the fatigue is gone, so is the depression. I really don’t want to take any more drugs, so I will deal with it as best I can. If it gets to be too much, then I will take the next step. Fortunately, it doesn’t last more than 3 or 4 days at most, so I know it’s self-limiting. I do appreciate your being there. 🙂

Ruth passed away from cancer. Please remove from list

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