Depression is a strange creature. It can come out of nowhere, take the wind out of my sails, slam into me knocking me off my feet, and then disappear as fast as it appeared. There are days when I don’t want to even get out of bed. Those are the days I’m glad we have the furbabies, because I am responsible for their breakfast while my partner is up on the roof. Then he gives them dinner. I wake up each morning to a little furry body curled closely into mine and another one at my feet. What a wonderful way to wake up!
Today, I had to drag myself out of the house to the gym; the last time I went was a week ago. I knew I would feel better if I went, but the chemo knocked me on my butt last week, and I couldn’t shake the fatigue. I told myself yesterday that I needed to go, but could not overcome the inertia to even get dressed until mid-afternoon. Chemo causes fatigue, and feeling fatigued makes me feel overwhelmed, and that makes me feel depressed.
So today I did go to the gym for the cardio workout class. I felt pooped but energized afterwards – if that makes sense. And I think the last of the fatigue and depression are gone for now, so I expect to feel good for another two weeks.
My oncologist had mentioned on the last visit that he thought I might qualify for a clinical trial up in Phoenix, but then said maybe we should wait for the next CT scan in 3 months. But then on Friday I received a call saying I should set up an appointment to meet with the clinical trial people. So tomorrow we will drive to Phoenix to meet with them. It’s a 90 minute drive give or take depending on the traffic, and all interstate. I’m so glad we have a newish vehicle to go in! So today we topped up the tires, the fluids, and gas, and will embark on a new adventure. I don’t know if I will qualify for the trial, and I really don’t know much about the trial so we both have lots of questions. I hope the trip will be worth it.
My CT scan showed no progression of the cancer and there was some regression in the size of one or two tumors while a third seemed to be gone. My liver enzymes were elevated and that is what the oncologist thinks caused the increase in my CEA level. We will continue to monitor CEA as it’s showing an upward trend and do another CT scan in 3 months. If there is progression, he wants another biopsy to test for more mutations (the first one didn’t have enough tissue to do much testing other than to show negative for ROS-1) and try for a clinical trial of immune therapy currently underway in another part of the state. We are relieved at no size increase in the tumors, and for an explanation for the CEA increase. He seems pleased with my progress and sounded encouraging. In the meantime, we’ll continue with the Pemetrexed.
My oxygen saturation levels have been running in the 95-96% range, which is good. Yesterday, the level was 99-100%. I have to attribute this to the exercise I’ve been doing at the gym. It’s encouraging to know that all that sweating and aches and pains are paying off. I haven’t lost any weight, but I haven’t gained any more either. I’m going to keep going to the gym as much as I can and maybe I will lose some of the pounds that have piled on over the past 6 months. The increase in oxygen saturation is an unexpected benefit.
I went to the Dermatologist today for a skin check. If I had known it would be the day after a chemo infusion I probably would have changed the appointment, but I’m glad now it’s done. She didn’t find anything suspicious, but she did burn off a few plaques that were constantly catching on things and bleeding all over everything. As a friend said, it feels like being blow-torched like creme brulee (not sure I’ll ever be able to eat creme brulee again after that analogy!) but at least I don’t have to go back for a year unless something comes up before then.
I’m starting to feel as if I can live normally – at least for a while – and go to the dentist, and have other checkups done that are overdue.
It’s been awhile since I wrote a post, and that’s a good thing, because it means nothing new. But now my scan date is approaching, and I find myself getting a little anxious already. I’m afraid that the cancer has grown, but I know the CEA level isn’t necessarily a good indication. Between now and Tuesday afternoon, I have to try to settle myself down instead of allowing my imagination to run wild.
On a positive note, I have started going to the gym. My Medicare Supplement Plan comes with a free gym membership, so I decided it would be silly not to take advantage of it. I am seriously out of shape and overweight. Some of it is inactivity and overeating, some of it is the steroids. Even if I don’t lose weight I will feel better, and I already feel more energized. There are lots of exercise sessions as well as Yoga, and Pilates, and water aerobics. I’m starting out easy with the ‘old people’ classes and will eventually, I hope, graduate to Zumba, because that looks like fun and I miss dancing.
I have been feeling off for the last couple of days; I just could not stay awake so took lots of naps. And I’ve been a little loopy; dropping things, unsteady, hungry all the time, upset GI system. Then it dawned on me – it’s the chemo stupid!! Since I have chemo only every 3 weeks now, I feel so good most of the time that when I don’t feel good, I forget what’s causing it. One of the side effects of the Pemetrexed (Alimta) I’m getting is severe fatigue, so yeah, I felt like I had to sleep a lot. Combine that with the GI symptoms (and I won’t go into details on that one!), and yeah, I’m going to feel crappy for a day or two. I should have it figured out by now that by the end of Friday of the week I get my infusion, I’m going to feel like crap. Now I have it figured out – until the next time.
The scheduler at my oncologist’s office called me Friday to set up a CT scan for my next visit, and to assure me that my PA had talked to my oncologist and they knew I was concerned about the increase in the CEA level, and that’s why they scheduled another CT scan to get a sense of what’s going on. I will meet with the oncologist right after the CT scan so there won’t be a wait before getting the results. I will also have my CEA level checked the Friday before my Tuesday appointment so we can discuss that at the appointment, too, and not have to wait until a day or two later to get the results. I wish there were a faster, better way to see what’s going on without having to wait to have tests, and then having to wait to get the results. I find the further into this journey I get, the more impatient i get.
I also think I need to stop researching clinical trials and treatments. I normally like to be prepared, but I think I’m overloading myself and confusing myself about the options available. So I think I need to take a break for a while. And I need to get back to focusing on my writing; I have sorely neglected my stories for quite a while. What brought this home to me is a couple of new followers on my fiction blog; I haven’t added anything to it in over a year. Time to get in gear and write!
My CEA level (tumor marker) went up from 20 to 26.1 after a drop last time from 25 to 20. I’m trying very hard not to get really down about this, but I am discouraged. I thought things were going so well, and it’s easy to berate myself for being so optimistic and getting kicked in the butt for it. I know things haven’t gotten worse because of my optimism, but that’s in my head. In my heart, I’m sure I got too cocky and now am getting my just desserts. This head-heart war is tiring.
I know this increase could just be a blip or something, and I’m trying to stay positive, and optimistic, and not worry. But it’s hard not to worry. I won’t have another appointment for a little over 2 weeks, and I know I’m going to fret and worry that whole time. So I have a call in for my PA, who won’t be in until Monday, to see if we can have a discussion about what this may or may not mean. I know my partner and I will worry ourselves silly over this until the next blood test. I have to keep in perspective that my initial CEA was over 70 when I began treatment. I will not panic about this. I will not panic; I will not panic. Okay, maybe for a minute or two.
In the meantime, I intend to eat some chocolate; chocolate is medicine and will make me feel better. 🙂