Want some cheese with that w[h]ine?

*CAUTION*: Some less-than-nice language ahead…

Okay, I’m whining, because I’m tired of feeling like shit. I was up and down all night with cramps and gas and aches and pains. Even on my good days, of which I only had 2 this week, the achies are just under the surface, but I go do stuff anyway. Yesterday was supposed to be a good day, but wasn’t. I was draggy all day and couldn’t quite get my brain to cooperate with anything. Today, so far, I’m just achy, but my brain is totally AWOL. I have all my Medicare stuff that came in the mail, and I’ve tried reading the booklets, and nothing is registering – it might just as well have been written in some foreign language. I did see that my payment isn’t due until the end of next month, so at least I don’t have to worry about that. Or maybe it meant the end of this month, which is today. Crap, now I have to go back and find that page again. 

I’m holding on to the thought that Tuesday next week is the last in this cycle of treatments, and then I have two whole weeks to recuperate – yippee!! But at the same time, at the end of that two weeks, I’ll have another CT scan – and waiting to see what that shows is stressful, starting now, or actually starting the day my team told me to schedule it. I meet with my oncologist right after the scan so at least I don’t have to wait for days to get the results. I’m scared about what it might show, but feeling hopeful the tumors are still shrinking, if that makes any sense at all. This having cancer thing sucks. I’ve been going through chemo since the beginning of November; that’s three months now, and the side effects get progressively worse. I don’t care about the hair loss – it’s the other stuff that’s freakin’ awful.  I don’t know if my GI tract is ever going to be normal again, and that’s the worst of the side effects. Then there’s the twinges, that aren’t just twinges, but feel like something stabbing me; and they come and go all over my body from my scalp to my toes as if my nerve endings are having a party or something. Sometimes they’re so bad I have to stop whatever I’m doing and wait for them to pass; they only last a few seconds, but those few seconds sometimes feel like an eternity. 

If I were a drinking person, I would have finished off the Bailey’s sometime during the night, but I’m not supposed to drink alcohol while on chemo. I’m sure my liver says thank you, but between the liver tumors and the chemo and all the other drugs, I’m not sure what shape my liver is in right now anyway. So I’ll just content myself with remembering how good Bailey’s actually tastes. On second thought, that might not be such a good idea. Bailey’s is yucky – tastes nasty – bad for you – blech. Not working. ::sigh::

So I guess today, I’m just going to whine and do nothing and hope tomorrow is better. Maybe I’ll take a nap.




10 thoughts on “Want some cheese with that w[h]ine?

  1. saundragoodman says:

    I wish I could do something to help you feel physically better. Your blog is helping me understand how awful and sucky it really is and I thank you for sharing. A two-week reprieve will be like a vacation, except for the worrying. How do we not worry?

  2. Thank you, Saundra. I just have to let it run its course. I could take something other than Tylenol, which takes the edge off, but the stronger stuff just adds to the GI mess. 🙂

  3. Oh, gosh. There just isn’t anything to say. Well, except that Bailey’s does make both a full-fat and a nonfat version of their Irish Cream coffee creamer that’s pretty darned good. You can have the taste even if you can’t have the real stuff. I sometimes put it over raspberries or strawberries – it’s wonderful.

    The only other thing I can offer is the assurance that a friend who was on serious chemo for months has her innards back in shape now, after about six months. On the one hand, that sounds like a long time, but all things considered (like, no more cancer) it’s not so bad.

  4. Yeah, I’ve had the coffee creamer, and it’s just not the same. 🙂 And yes, six months sounds like a long time, but it really isn’t in the grand scheme of things, is it? I’m looking forward to it!!

  5. Thanks for telling it like it is, Ruth! I appreciate that, but I’m afraid I’ve got nothing helpful to say. Well except that all you need to do is keep handling everything, one minute at a time…

  6. I wish something I could say could take it all away, Ruth, but I’ve got nothing 😦

    Please continue to rant and no *caution* is needed for explicit language here – I’m sure mine would be far worse in the same situation.

    Baileys – best to think ‘yuck’ at the moment, don’t even think of it until the day you’re told you can drink it and then go for it! 😀

  7. Hey Ruth, all I can say is that for me the six months were a lot shorter than I’d imagined. My rounds were once every three weeks so there was time to catch my breath between them … What I may have hated most were the weekly blood tests – I don’t like needles and they couldn’t get the blood out of the port so they had to take it out of the back of my hand.

    BTW … my other blog is It’s A Journey Not a Race … keep fighting … it’s worth the battle!

Ruth passed away from cancer. Please remove from list

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