This week has been a little strange. Not in what has happened but in how I am feeling. I feel as if I am just drifting through life; there’s a sense of unreality inside my head. I don’t know if this is a reaction to my cancer or a side effect from the chemo. It’s hard to explain. I seem to be on auto-pilot much of the time as if I have no control over changing course. Oh, I am having such a hard time describing this! Sometimes I find myself sitting at the computer just staring at the screen with no idea what I was aiming to do. Other times I will think about something I need to look up but as soon as I sit at the computer, my brain goes blank. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my brain and my mind. It seems easier to drift right now than to exert the energy to do something else. This waking dream world is what it is, and I don’t seem to realize that it is a dream world sometimes.
I am now three months out from my diagnosis, and I’m used to when and how the chemo side effects will hit me. But I’m tired of organizing my life around the side effects. As I wrote in a previous post, I can understand why people stop chemo. It’s a struggle to stay positive some days; other days I don’t have to think about being positive – I just am. I know this is an emotional roller coaster for me and for my partner. He is my rock through all of this. He makes sure I take my medicine when I’m supposed to. And he’s always checking that I’m okay if I get up in the middle of the night. He takes care of the dogs, the cooking, the cleaning, and everything else that goes along with keeping a household running.
I hold on to the thought that I can beat this; that the chemo is working; that the cancer is retreating. Even in my dreamwalking, I am aware of that nasty growth in my body that is trying to strangle the life out of me. And in those times, I try to visualize the tumors retreating and vaporizing into nothingness. It’s only fair; that’s what they are trying to do to me.
I take strength from not only my community of friends, but also the community of lung cancer survivors to which I now belong. Some are still fighting, some have lost the fight, and some have won the fight. But the fight is never really over; we will have to be vigilant for the rest of our lives lest the beast returns to make us fight again.