*CAUTION*: Some less-than-nice language ahead…
Okay, I’m whining, because I’m tired of feeling like shit. I was up and down all night with cramps and gas and aches and pains. Even on my good days, of which I only had 2 this week, the achies are just under the surface, but I go do stuff anyway. Yesterday was supposed to be a good day, but wasn’t. I was draggy all day and couldn’t quite get my brain to cooperate with anything. Today, so far, I’m just achy, but my brain is totally AWOL. I have all my Medicare stuff that came in the mail, and I’ve tried reading the booklets, and nothing is registering – it might just as well have been written in some foreign language. I did see that my payment isn’t due until the end of next month, so at least I don’t have to worry about that. Or maybe it meant the end of this month, which is today. Crap, now I have to go back and find that page again.
I’m holding on to the thought that Tuesday next week is the last in this cycle of treatments, and then I have two whole weeks to recuperate – yippee!! But at the same time, at the end of that two weeks, I’ll have another CT scan – and waiting to see what that shows is stressful, starting now, or actually starting the day my team told me to schedule it. I meet with my oncologist right after the scan so at least I don’t have to wait for days to get the results. I’m scared about what it might show, but feeling hopeful the tumors are still shrinking, if that makes any sense at all. This having cancer thing sucks. I’ve been going through chemo since the beginning of November; that’s three months now, and the side effects get progressively worse. I don’t care about the hair loss – it’s the other stuff that’s freakin’ awful. I don’t know if my GI tract is ever going to be normal again, and that’s the worst of the side effects. Then there’s the twinges, that aren’t just twinges, but feel like something stabbing me; and they come and go all over my body from my scalp to my toes as if my nerve endings are having a party or something. Sometimes they’re so bad I have to stop whatever I’m doing and wait for them to pass; they only last a few seconds, but those few seconds sometimes feel like an eternity.
If I were a drinking person, I would have finished off the Bailey’s sometime during the night, but I’m not supposed to drink alcohol while on chemo. I’m sure my liver says thank you, but between the liver tumors and the chemo and all the other drugs, I’m not sure what shape my liver is in right now anyway. So I’ll just content myself with remembering how good Bailey’s actually tastes. On second thought, that might not be such a good idea. Bailey’s is yucky – tastes nasty – bad for you – blech. Not working. ::sigh::
So I guess today, I’m just going to whine and do nothing and hope tomorrow is better. Maybe I’ll take a nap.