I have been feeling rage and despair for the last couple of days along with a sense of urgency to make this Xmas special because there’s a chance it could be my last one in this life. My emotions are still riding a roller coaster from the depths of blackness to feeling as if I will beat this. I can actually go for hours at a time without even thinking about cancer, and there are times when that’s all I think about. I don’t like tearing up for no reason or because of some sappy TV commercial. Then again, it could just be the time of year. But I still feel as if my diagnosis is totally unfair – I still have a lot of living to do.
Intellectually, I know that what I’m feeling is normal and it’s okay to feel it. I sometimes think I will be one of the small percentage that survive; and other times I’m sure I won’t be. The odds are against me, but then I have to remember all the times I have fallen into that small percentage of people to have some side effect, or something. For example; I tried the contact lenses that were supposed to reshape the cornea. I wore them every night, and within a week, I no longer had to wear contacts or glasses during the day. That was a liberating feeling! But within a few months, my eyes began to revert back to the way they were even though I continued to wear the special contacts overnight. My eye doctor said, no problem, we’ll just change the Rx and you’ll be fine. Only a very tiny percentage of patients have it happen again. Well, guess who was in that tiny percentage? And there have been other instances like that.
Here’s hoping that my being in that small percentage will work for me this time instead of against me.