Cancer sucks Part 2

I have been feeling rage and despair for the last couple of days along with a sense of urgency to make this Xmas special because there’s a chance it could be my last one in this life. My emotions are still riding a roller coaster from the depths of blackness to feeling as if I will beat this. I can actually go for hours at a time without even thinking about cancer, and there are times when that’s all I think about. I don’t like tearing up for no reason or because of some sappy TV commercial. Then again, it could just be the time of year. But I still feel as if my diagnosis is totally unfair – I still have a lot of living to do.

Intellectually, I know that what I’m feeling is normal and it’s okay to feel it. I sometimes think I will be one of the small percentage that survive; and other times I’m sure I won’t be. The odds are against me, but then I have to remember all the times I have fallen into that small percentage of people to have some side effect, or something. For example; I tried the contact lenses that were supposed to reshape the cornea. I wore them every night, and within a week, I no longer had to wear contacts or glasses during the day. That was a liberating feeling! But within a few months, my eyes began to revert back to the way they were even though I continued to wear the special contacts overnight. My eye doctor said, no problem, we’ll just change the Rx and you’ll be fine. Only a very tiny percentage of patients have it happen again. Well, guess who was in that tiny percentage? And there have been other instances like that.

Here’s hoping that my being in that small percentage will work for me this time instead of against me.

12 thoughts on “Cancer sucks Part 2

  1. Ruth, I had a feeling you were having a rough time. Do you think that Jane’s death is hitting you hard, not only from the perspective of having lost a dear friend, but because it brings into sharpest focus the brutal reality of this cancer? I wondered if her death might evoke that sense of urgency.

    Words don’t come easily. Platitudes don’t fix anything. Hope, well, I continue to hope and believe that you WILL survive this…your tumor markings have already decreased significantly, haven’t they? Or did the last set of lab results show something else? Even so, we both know that this IS a roller coaster ride to some unforseeable horizon…the diagnosis IS unfair, terribly unfair. I weep too, for your diagnosis, the brutality of your treatments, your emotional anguish, I rage at God for the unfairness and I rage out of fear, because I want you to live for a very long time…I want us to grow old together here in cyberspace!

    All I can do is keep praying, hoping, listening, loving, sending light and love and being here with you in this crappy place…I hate roller coasters, but for you, I’ve bought the forever pass that lets me stay on for however long it goes. xoxoxo

  2. Part of it was Jane’s death, and yes, the tumor markers are good. I think it’s just the realization of my own mortality. I’m glad you’re there for me, Sharon. ❤

  3. saundragoodman says:

    Sharon pretty much said it all, Ruth. I, too, felt that Jane’s passing would deeply affect you. What we know intellectually doesn’t always translate to how we feel emotionally and the roller coaster ride takes another high and low and will again. Your ability to share these feelings and release them is healing and healthy and lowers your internal pressure. I believe that gives your body a positive boost so the unfair diagnosis takes a hit and the percentage goes up in your favor. I bought an E-ticket for this ride and I expect to be on it for a very long time.

  4. Iva Pokorny says:

    I just want you to know that I have been here. I am not surprised thatJane´s passing was affecting you. It certainly affected me on all sorts of levels. Well, Ruth .. I hope you are having an ok Monday. I am at present, running in and out into the freezing cold to take some sunset pictures. Next week, I will be in the US .. around Philadelphia. So I will be taking pictures of other sunsets …. Where do you live, my friend? I should know that .. I know.

  5. Thank you, Iva, for being here. I love your pictures – they are so stark, and simple, and clean. I realized something today – there are no power lines in your shots like there are in almost all of mine! And I live in Southern Arizona.

  6. Ruth, I too can imagine Jane’s death must have had an impacton you. But, I don’t know, for some reason I have a feeling you will beat this. When Jane announced her illness, and how it was in so many parts of her body, I thought, it’s amazing what a fight she has in her, considering it looks pretty bad.

    But with you Ruth, you need to concentrate on “just your lungs” and heal them. And I believe that you are on the right path. And I just have that gut feeling; YOU CAN BEAT THIS! Sending all my positive thoughts, and keep yours going, – because they are know to heal as well!

  7. Hang in there, Ruth. I too suspected Jane’s death would hit you hard. But you have a strong team rooting for you. And when my first husband had cancer, his oncologist told him he (yes, the doctor) was a great believer in the power of positive thinking. He said he’d personally seen cancers beaten that shouldn’t have been, logically, and he believed this was the impact of the power of positive thinking. My first husband was not a believer in this, thought it was all “mumbo jumbo.” But I’ve seen faith and positive thinking have amazing power. So I’m with Angelika: concentrate on your lungs, and visualize them healthy and pink and healed. Can’t hurt to give it a try.

  8. Thank you, Anne, yes positive thinking really can work. I am visualizing healthy lungs – most days – but there are still those dark days where I despair. I allow myself that day, because I think it’s healthier to allow the despair than to waste energy fighting it. And those days are becoming fewer, so that’s a good thing. 🙂

Ruth passed away from cancer. Please remove from list

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