I am tired tonight. I went to work for a few hours and accomplished quite a bit. Stopped on the way home to  pick up a couple of things. My partner has been doing a fantastic job in keeping things together and running smoothly, but I know this has hit him hard. His only comment has been that he thought he would be the one going through the cancer and chemo stuff because of all his years of smoking and working around chemicals. He has never been one to show emotion – it’s hard for him. But there are times I wish he would. He has a few close friends that he has lunch with regularly, and maybe that’s all he needs.

But there are times like now when I want to cry and scream and punch something. For the times we should have together and may not. I try to stay positive, but even that gets worn out. Especially when I’m tired, or sick, or hurting. And I know this will pass.

On a positive note, the follow up visit went well. My labs are holding steady. They won’t recheck tumor markers until after the 2nd treatment in 2 weeks. I’m anxious to know whether the treatments are working. The side effects from one are too severe, so they will switch that one to something else.

I think I’m too tired to write much tonight. Tomorrow I have the chemo port installed so will have more time.

Good night, dear friends.


17 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. saundragoodman says:

    Being positive isn’t all it’s cracked up to be all the time. I feel that you should scream and cry and throw things to release your pent up shock and anger. You have to release it somehow. One day Steve will release his, or maybe he’s doing it with his guy friends – in a guy way. I’m glad their switching that one treatment so it will be easier for your heart and body to handle. You are always in my thoughts and heart and prayers.

  2. saundragoodman says:

    I have found that anger goes around depression yet motivates, at least for those short times I need to work through occasional stuff.

  3. I agree with it being a balancing act…needing to allow ourselves an outlet for the rage and pain, yet not allowing ourselves to sink so deep that we can’t get out. At some point, numbness sometimes takes over, not wanting to feel anything at all for awhile…a way of coping with the intolerable.

    When I first got my diagnosis of cancer, but had to wait several weeks to find out the results of the biopsy (mine was done after the 6-hour operation), all sorts of scenarios went through my head, none of them positive, all of them paralyzing me with cold fear. I had to keep busy to keep those thoughts from taking me into dark places (those games on FB helped numb my mind), but it was impossible to be joyful and positive, though I tried to for the sake of some others who couldn’t handle the angst.

    Even so, I can only imagine the fear and rage and pain of having to go through this horrific chemo crap. I can’t imagine what else would be the response except to rage and scream and cry. I think the “positive” stuff is to help nurture hope, and I hope that hope does win through some of the other stuff, because I think that hope is what helps to keep us moving through instead of lying down (figuratively) and giving up.

    Does your medical team have any kind of support group available? Maybe one for you and maybe one for caregivers? When I was going through this with Gary, the hospitable provided a support group for the caregivers and it was helpful, in both understanding the medical jargon and procedures, and in understanding better what our loved ones were going through.

    Sorry to ramble on here. You know you’re in heart and prayers. xoxox

  4. Iva says:

    Ruth .. sleep well. I feel that you will get more time than you think you will now. You have a serenity within you that will take you a long way.
    Good night hugs.

  5. Steve and I discussed the support group – he’s not into that but has his close group of friends who may not understand what he’s going through but are there for him. And my support group is all of you on Facebook and beyond who listen to me rant and rave and love me anyway. 🙂

  6. Hello Ruth, it’s hard to balance the harsh reality with a positive attitude. I think it takes a conscious effort, which can be exhausting. You are trying so hard to stay within your normal, such as going to work when you can, picking up things from the store. Those normal activities may serve as an victories in the daily battle against cancer.

  7. You’re right, Lynn. But as you know, too, it’s so easy to fall into the ‘what’s the point of fighting’ mentality – which doesn’t happen to me hardly at all, but when it does, it’s a hard uphill climb to get back on an even keel.

  8. You said you wished he would show his emotions. Maybe he’s trying to be strong for you. So maybe you could tell him when you have energy that being open to you in this new way for him, is ok.

    I know what you mean…I have a caring partner who is kind and sensitive. He loved his mother, visited her, had a great son-mother relationship and when she passed away, he didn’t cry (in front of me).

Ruth passed away from cancer. Please remove from list

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